What are our personal rules that determine how we want other people to interact with us, and to treat us?

What are the boundaries that we expect other people to recognize, accept, and respect?

We all have those personal rules but we do not always think about them or put them into words. These rules are a big part of who we are, and they determine what we want and expect from other people. They determine what we will accept and tolerate from the people we encounter in our life. We tend to react when the boundaries we set are violated.

There are also internal boundaries, or rules, that we set for ourselves. We have our unique needs, wants, values, goals, and a sense of good or bad, right or wrong. We have limits that we place on ourselves. Our unique expectations for ourselves, and our priorities, are a major factor that shape how we act and what we will accept from other people.

Other people do not have to understand or have insight into why or how we think like we do. They do not have to understand why we established our unique personal boundaries, unless we want them to know.. We do not need their permission. We expect them to respect and comply with how we want to be treated. Nothing more and nothing less.

A boundary is typically based on a particular need and has a purpose. A boundary should be realistic and possible.

Why is the boundary needed?

What is it designed to prevent?

It is based on your viewpoint, your perspective, and the way you think things should be. These thoughts are what will shape the boundary, and the way you express it. Each of our internal and external rules and limits should have a purpose.

In what situations, and with which people, do we need to employ them?

Then there is the matter of how you employ them. That goes back to the intended function and purpose for developing the boundary in the first place.

Are you clear about what you want and don’t want?

Will the rule or limit actually fulfill the reason, purpose, or need for developing the boundary in the first place. Keep in mind that boundaries are for us. They are the way we want our life and our relationships to be. We live them. We do not impose them on other people or tell them how they should live their lives. They are your boundaries. They are for your quality of life.

The idea here is to clearly communicate to others how you do and do not want to be treated. This needs to be expressed with clarity and confidence…without being aggressive or defensive. If there is a boundary problem with another person, and the relationship is important, then be open to problem solving.

Explaining why you reacted like you did can be important. The other person probably has their own way of looking at the world, and may have no clue that what they did or said left you feeling disturbed, hurt, or irritated. Talking about it can be very helpful. If they keep doing it then that is another story.

Another aspect of boundaries is how another person may react to a boundary you have set. How might a friend, family member, coworker, or acquaintance feel about and respond to the boundary. They may feel hurt, rejected, confused, or even angry.

How you employ and express a boundary can have a lot to do with how they respond to your response to what they did or said. How you explain the boundary and its violation can determine how they feel and respond to the limit you have set. Most people will meet your needs or expectations once they understand.

Finally, you might give some thought to the different situations and relationships you can be in. What are appropriate boundaries and limitations in a marriage, in a dating relationship, in a work environment ,in a business, in friendships, or even with strangers.

Is a boundary temporary or permanent?

Is it a solid boundary or is it porous, flexible, and bendable?

How and why you develop your unique set of boundaries are not accidents, and they deserve some thought.

— Dr. Joseph Switras provides clinical psychological services at United Health District in Fairmont to people age 5 and up.