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We're afflicted with oodles of scariness and creepiness at this time of year. And I'm not just talking about Halloween; Election Day is also looming in the gloom.
It's bizarre that these bizarre things occur at roughly the same time. But I'm OK with that. Let's get all the frightening stuff out of the way and be done with it.
Kids dressed up as superheroes such as Batman or Spider-Man or Taylor Swift are honest when they ring your doorbell and chant "Trick or treat!" Adults who are running for elected office are basically saying the same thing except that they often prove to be long on the "trick" part and short on the "treat."
My wife and I always vote early. We thus avoid the long lines on Election Day and the worry that others are trying to determine how we're voting based on our clothing choices. A good way to avoid this might be to wear your Sonic the Hedgehog costume when you go to the polls.
The volunteer poll workers handled our ballot requests with brisk efficiency. We finished voting in less time than it takes to get a cappuccino at Starbucks.
My wife got done long before I did. This was because I kept dropping the quarter I was flipping to decide which way to vote on the crucial issues that I was totally clueless about until I saw them on the ballot.
Then there was the matter of voting for people I'd never heard of who were running for offices that I hadn't known existed. My choices often came down to which contestant had the most interesting name. The weirder the name, the more likely the candidate was to get my vote.
When we were done my wife grabbed an "I Voted" sticker and slapped it on my chest. I felt as proud as a kindergartener who had just earned a gold star.
I promptly forgot about the sticker and my wife and I went shopping. Several shoppers grinned at me as we prowled the aisles in search of laundry detergent. I thought that I was receiving unspoken compliments about my fashion choices. But when we returned home, I saw that the sticker was still displayed prominently on my chest.
Oh, well. I'll still take that as a fashion win.
Now that we've voted, the candidates can quit sending me spam. Most of the unwanted emails are caught in my spam filter, but it's gotten so bad that the filter recently displayed the message, "Dear God, please make it stop!"
Years ago, I was at our polling place on Election Day when a neighbor named Hartman emerged from the voting booth. Upon encountering a friend who was waiting his turn, Hartman exclaimed with a good-natured grin, "I just finished voting the right way, so don't you go and vote the wrong way!"
That was as divisive as things got back then.
Some people wonder why they should bother voting. They feel that their tiny peep will only become lost in the roaring hurricane of other votes. I look at it this way: if you don't vote, you've surrendered your right to complain. Or at least that's how it should be.
My sole experience with holding an elected position took place decades ago when I briefly served on our local township board. I landed on the board when I made the mistake of attending one of their meetings. It's an unspoken rule in our township that if you show up for a meeting you run the risk of being put on the board.
I learned many things from that experience. One is that there are people who can't be happy unless they're mad about something.
An example was a guy I'll call "Dorf." Dorf arrived at our farmstead one day and exchanged a few pleasantries with me. Then a switch flipped in his brain. He suddenly transformed into Dorf the Angry Taxpayer who believed very strongly that By Gee, Something Has to Be Done About This!
The ox that was being gored involved the gravel road that ran past his farm. According to Dorf, the guy the township had hired to blade the roads didn't know diddly about road maintenance.
What did he want me to do?
Ride in the road grader's cab with its professional heavy-equipment operator and tell him how to do his job?
I knew less than nothing about road maintenance. Things could only get worse instead of better.
I haven't held an elected position since. Dorf taught me that it's easier to complain about problems than to solve them.
Plus, I don't have the heart to put all that stress on all those poor little spam filters.
-- Jerry's book, "Dear County Agent Guy," is available at Amazon.com and in bookstores nationwide.