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Transient pumas

It’s the time of year when we must prepare for nocturnal visitors who are dressed in scary costumes and are seeking tasty tidbits.

Just such a visitor was recently caught on camera in Brookings. A mountain lion was photoed as it sauntered nonchalantly across an urban lawn in the middle of the night. And yes, it was the four-legged kind of cougar.

Wildlife specialists said that the catamount was probably transient, that it was simply passing through on its way to elsewhere as it searched for a mate and/or a new apartment. By the way, “Transient Pumas” would be a great name for a murder mystery book club.

There is an alternative theory which goes that the number of cougars hasn’t changed, but the number of cameras has. In other words, the top predators have always been among us but have remained largely undetected.

While attending college in the Black Hills, our youngest son befriended a local guy who managed a ski lodge. The guy said, “You only see the young and stupid lions. You never see the older ones; they’re too smart and too sneaky.”

When I was a little kid, a mountain lion was reported to be in our area. My cousin actually saw the big cat as it bounded across an alfalfa field. The tracks it left in the mud were said to be the size of a hubcap.

I quickly became obsessed with the notion that the cunning feline might be watching us, coldly calculating who was the weakest and the slowest. I wondered if a kid on a bike could outrun a puma. I made certain that the jackknife I carried in my jeans pocket was razor sharp.

A few years ago, my wife was awakened in the middle of the night by what she thought was a woman screaming in terror. When she told me about it the next morning I poo-pooed her, saying that I hadn’t heard a thing.

“Of course not!” she replied. “You wouldn’t be able to hear anything over your snoring!”

My wife spoke with a neighbor lady at the grocery store later that day. The neighbor lady told my wife that she had also heard the screams, although she didn’t say anything about my snoring. As such, whether or not I snore remains up for debate.

If you want every last hair to stand on end, Google “mountain lion scream” and listen to the results. You’ll soon understand why my wife was creeped out.

From a puma’s point of view, humans are just another part of the food chain. We don’t run very fast and don’t have much in the way of teeth and claws with which to fight back. We are essentially slow-moving Tender Vittles.

Wildlife experts say that mountain lion attacks are extremely rare and that the big cats tend to be elusive and are probably just as wary of humans as we are of them. If you unexpectedly encounter a cougar out in the open, you should make raucous noises (the sudden burst of adrenaline would cause me to loudly pass gas) and try to make yourself look big. Don’t run, as this could trigger the animal’s instinct to chase. These strategies probably aren’t very effective for unexpected encounters with two-legged cougars.

According to the internet, puma screams are related to mating behavior. If it’s a male cougar, perhaps he’s saying, “Hey baby, how about it?” If it’s a female animal, she’s saying, “You idiot, why are you screaming way over there? I’m over here!”

And as we know from “The Jerry Springer Show,” mating behavior can lead to reproduction and, inevitably, paternity lawsuits. We should enact regulations to prohibit cougars from screaming. And I mean both the four-legged and two-legged kinds.

The other day, Bella, our half-grown Spangold pup, was barking at something in our grove. From up on a high branch, a pair of cunning feline eyes coldly regarded the dog.

It was our housecat, Sparkles. When I arrived to investigate, Bella skedaddled for the safety of her doghouse. So much for being my protector!

These days when I take Bella for a walk, I’m hyperaware of anything that might indicate the presence of a stealthy snooper. What was that rustling noise in the trees? Is something moving out there?

Mountain lions are silent stalkers. If you hear something you’re probably OK. But if you don’t hear anything…

Bella leads the way as we stroll along the gravel road. She often glances back at me with a smile that seems to say, “I don’t need to outrun a cougar. I just have to outrun you!”

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