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The living will

I found this article as I was cleaning out some drawers, and I thought it might be a good one to share. It was written by Paul Rudnick in a 2005 issue of “The New Yorker.”

• If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than 15 years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.

• If I remain motionless for an extended period and utter only meaningless sounds, I would like a Guggenheim.

• If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends or family members, I still expect gifts.

• If am unable to feed, clean, or dress myself, I would like to be referred to as “Mr. Trump.”

• Do not resuscitate me before noon.

• If I do not respond to pinches, pinpricks, rubber mallets, or other medical stimuli, please stop laughing.

• If I no longer respond to loved ones’ attempts at communication, ask them about our last car trip.

• Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful death, I would like my organs donated to whoever can catch them.

• If my death; is particularly dramatic, I would like to be played Hilary Swank, for a slam dunk.

• If there is any family dispute over my medical condition, it must be settled with a dreidel.

• Even if I remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than 15 years, that still doesn’t mean bangs.

• If my doctor pronounces me brain-dead, I would like to see the new Ashton Kutcher movies

• If I remain unconscious during a painful, lingering illness, I would like the following life lesson to be published in a book titled “Tuesdays with Paul.”

• Treasure every moment.

• Love everyone.

• If you bought this in hardcover, you’re an idiot.

• I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine that has a “Popcorn” setting.

• I would like to die at home, surrounded by my attorneys.

• If my loved ones insist that the cost of my medical care has become a burden, show them a Polaroid of their “beach shack.”

• In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer rioting

• I would like my entire estate to become the property of my cat, Fluffy, who said “He wouldn’t want to live like this, with that zit.”

• Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear discussions about my apartment.

• If there is any talk of canonizing me, please remember that I have often held the elevator for people who were still getting their mail, that I have twice offered a cab to a woman in a fur coat even though I was totally there first, and that I always waited to make derogatory comments until after a couple with the double stroller was a block away.

• In the event of an open coffin, I would like smoky evening eyes.

• At my memorial service, I would like my clergyman to begin his eulogy with the words ‘I suppose, in a way we all killed him.'”

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