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Editor's column: Your perfect world awaits

August 14, 2010
By Per Peterson

You know, believe it or not, we are closing in on that perfect world that everyone refers to.

In a perfect world fill in the blank. People say it all the time.

In a perfect world, I would go home after hitting 40 hours. In a perfect world, Republicans and Democrats would get along. In a perfect world, we'd all have hair and we'd all be thin. In a perfect world, there would be no humidity, Criss Angel would just be that creepy guy who lives in the old house at the end of the street, and Lady Ga-Ga would go-go away.

OK, those things aren't going to happen anytime soon, so maybe our world will never be perfect.

But that shouldn't stop us from trying to achieve it. Because with each passing day that world is getting closer. You just have to really pay attention to realize it.

Don't believe all that 2012 end-of-the-world garbage. I'm a pessimist and I don't believe it. In fact, I think things will be better in two years than they are now. You would agree if you knew what to look for.

First, you have to be sure not to get too greedy in defining perfection. You can't assume a cure for cancer, you can't count on age reversal, war will always be inevitable, it will still rain when you really don't want it to, and we'll probably never find out who blew JFK away. Things like that are off limits in the quest for perfection.

Think smaller.

If you want to believe, like I do, that a perfect world will eventually exist, all you have to do is open your eyes to some of the more subtle things in life.

For instance, did you know they make doggie beds out of that memory foam stuff now? That's a start, no?

No longer does your bichon frise have to sleep on that lumpy, old-fashioned doggie bed you insist is still comfortable after seven years of use. They now actually make them with memory foam. Your dog will swear it's sleeping on a cloud.

See, that's a sign of perfection. It's a small sign, I know, but a sign nonetheless.

More proof that we're closing in on perfection in our world is the Direct E-Cig, a revolutionary electronic smoking device designed as a better smoking alternative to traditional tobacco cigarettes. That's what the website says anyway.

Wrap your brain around that one.

The Direct E-Cig allows you the freedom to smoke anywhere, without the flame, ash, tar, or carbon monoxide found in traditional tobacco cigarettes, the site says. "With no offensive second-hand smoke," it continues, "this smokeless product offers a cleaner, greener environment for both the user and the non-smoking community."

A "greener environment?" See? Green is good. No more global warming nonsense.

I love how they refer to secondhand smoke as "offensive." Never mind the fact that people have died because of secondhand smoke; it's more important not to offend. Because in a perfect world, not only is no one persecuted, no one is offended either.

From the looks of things smokers will no longer have to ostracize themselves and congregate outside of the bar door on a 5-degree January night to quell their latest nic fit. There will be no more huddled masses yearning to avoid frostbite.

E-cigarettes don't discharge smoke; it's actually vapor water. VAPOR WATER! Genius. We'll no longer have to worry about those silly no smoking laws that we all know are bent by sneaky restaurant and bar owners every now and then. The odor, they say, is virtually undetectable and it won't irritate like real old-school heaters. And they won't give you bad breath, either. Good thing. - bad breath will not be tolerated in a perfect world.

Testimonials for the e-cigarette include that of one Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay Lohan, who has been known to light up every now and then. If it's good enough for the Lohans it's good enough for me.

The starter kit comes with a 5-volt battery, 10 cartridges (full, light, ultra light or no nicotine), a wall charger, and an atomizer. Look it up, I have no idea what that is. Personally, I'm up for using anything that includes something called an atomizer.

Maybe there will always be criminals to punish and taxes to pay, and perfection still might be the ultimate illusion, but at least now we can tell ourselves we're getting closer.

 
 

 

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